There has been a lot that has happened in the last three years of my life. I returned home from a two year LDS mission in Kentucky, I returned to school and working full-time, I started several relationships that unfortunately ended in failure, my father passed away, and I received a kidney transplant. These are just the biggest events, I’m sure there are a lot of other things that have happened as well. The point is that I have been busy for some time and it is only now that I have had time to think about my life and where I fall in it.
I thought that I would be a great writer with my blog. I would have these incredible insights that would move people and really make them think about their own lives and perhaps their lives could be improved through my words. However, I struggle to put my thoughts onto paper (actual paper and virtual). I start writing and stop writing and delete and start over, but I have decided to just spill my thoughts and post whatever comes out. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I’ve been coasting for a long time. My least favorite “get to know you” questions are the ones about your interests or hobbies. Mostly because I don’t really have any. I can think back to my childhood, and even Jr. High and High School years and could tell you about all the things I was interested in. I’m not interested in most of those things anymore. I have tried to get back some of that excitement and passion, but I can’t. Now, I understand that people grow and evolve. People’s interests and hobbies change throughout their life, but I am at a point where I don’t have any. Let me be clear that there are things that I like to do, however, they aren’t investments. When I think of a hobby or a true interest or passion, I think of something you invest in. You invest money, time, and sacrifice for that thing. I don’t have that kind of investment in the things I do. I also understand that for the most part, it is laziness on my part that keeps me from really enjoying those things. Laziness mixed in with slight depression.
I have no idea how to have a romantic relationship. Some of this I think is because of today’s society and some of it is just me. I say it is part of society because today’s society is not built towards committed relationships. It’s built for hookups, noncommittal make outs, friends with benefits, one night stands, pornography, and anything in between that lets you get your instant gratification and leave. Commitment is just not in the vocabulary of today’s couples. Society today believes in being open with whomever you want and then leaving when it suits you. There is no reason to have a committed relationship. It is very selfish honestly, it basically says to get what you want out of someone and then leave. The flip side of this coin is that there is such a negative attitude towards men with the rising feminism movement that men don’t want to engage women in even giving compliments, because they are afraid their actions will be seen as sexual assault. Society is tearing itself apart by saying, go out and do what you want, but if you do, you are sexually assaulting people. I want to be able to court a woman and date and eventually marry them.
I say that part of it is just me because I am not good at telling when a woman is interested in me and I am not very good at acting on that interest once I find out that a woman is interested in me. I am not very good at dating and courtship. I’m in love with someone who I’m pretty sure will not love me back. The easy answer would be to just move on, but that is much easier said than done. The heart wants what the heart wants. I also look back on my past relationships and realize that I ruined most of them. I can say that there are a few exceptions, but for the most part it really was me. Now it wasn’t intentional. It was almost a defense mechanism that said, “well they can’t hurt me if I hurt them first.” What? Come on brain, that is bad logic. Of course I’m not going to end up in a steady, stable relationship if I keep sabotaging them. It was only recently made aware to me that that is a problem that I have, so at least now I can work on fixing that.
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. This one might seem a little silly to some people, but it is something that weighs heavily on my mind. This kind of goes back to not know what I want to do with my life, but specifically this is for career choice. I want to be in a position where my wife, once I get through my relationship issues and have a wife, can be a stay at home mom if she wants to be. I don’t want my wife to have to go to work to help support the family. I want a career that will allow me to do that. Now, if she wants to work, that’s awesome, but I don’t want her to have to work. Most “high paying” jobs though, are not interesting to me. Right now I am thinking of going into politics and I hope that I can find a good stable position in that field once I’m done with school. However, my plans change. I have wanted to be so many different things growing up and I can’t seem to stick with one. It’s worse when I feel like I am in the minority when it comes to my friends and family. Most of them are either already doing what they wanted to be when they grow up or at least know what it is that they want to be and are moving towards that thing. Hopefully I will be able to figure it out before I’m older and it becomes harder and harder to accomplish.
I am struggling with depression. One of the reasons why I am struggling in the above mentioned areas is because I struggle with depression. My depression adds an extra layer I have to cut through to find interest in a hobby, or a girl, or a degree in school, or a career. It makes things just a little hazy and difficult to navigate my way towards my goals. There are days when I feel great and I feel really motivated and I make goals and set plans and get things done. Then there are days when the most I will do is take a shower and go back to bed. It is a struggle to do even the most basic things sometimes, but I still do them the best I can, and that’s why I say I am down but not out.
This post has been kind of a woe is me rant, but there is a point. I want to be open with what I’m struggling with, but I also want to show that I am still moving forward. While there is a lot that I am trying to figure out for myself, I am taking life one day at a time and I know that I will be able to figure it out. I know that I can do it. I also write this post for anyone who might read this who is struggling. You’re not alone in feeling lost, left out, or behind. Don’t give up. You’ve got this. You can figure it out. It will take time and patience, but you will be able to do it. I know that I can and I know that you can too.
The Man in His Mind 