Author: themaninhismind

Down But Not Out

There has been a lot that has happened in the last three years of my life. I returned home from a two year LDS mission in Kentucky, I returned to school and working full-time, I started several relationships that unfortunately ended in failure, my father passed away, and I received a kidney transplant. These are just the biggest events, I’m sure there are a lot of other things that have happened as well.  The point is that I have been busy for some time and it is only now that I have had time to think about my life and where I fall in it.

I thought that I would be a great writer with my blog. I would have these incredible insights that would move people and really make them think about their own lives and perhaps their lives could be improved through my words. However, I struggle to put my thoughts onto paper (actual paper and virtual). I start writing and stop writing and delete and start over, but I have decided to just spill my thoughts and post whatever comes out. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I’ve been coasting for a long time. My least favorite “get to know you” questions are the ones about your interests or hobbies. Mostly because I don’t really have any. I can think back to my childhood, and even Jr. High and High School years and could tell you about all the things I was interested in. I’m not interested in most of those things anymore. I have tried to get back some of that excitement and passion, but I can’t. Now, I understand that people grow and evolve. People’s interests and hobbies change throughout their life, but I am at a point where I don’t have any. Let me be clear that there are things that I like to do, however, they aren’t investments. When I think of a hobby or a true interest or passion, I think of something you invest in. You invest money, time, and sacrifice for that thing. I don’t have that kind of investment in the things I do. I also understand that for the most part, it is laziness on my part that keeps me from really enjoying those things. Laziness mixed in with slight depression.

I have no idea how to have a romantic relationship. Some of this I think is because of today’s society and some of it is just me. I say it is part of society because today’s society is not built towards committed relationships. It’s built for hookups, noncommittal make outs, friends with benefits, one night stands, pornography, and anything in between that lets you get your instant gratification and leave. Commitment is just not in the vocabulary of today’s couples. Society today believes in being open with whomever you want and then leaving when it suits you. There is no reason to have a committed relationship. It is very selfish honestly, it basically says to get what you want out of someone and then leave. The flip side of this coin is that there is such a negative attitude towards men with the rising feminism movement that men don’t want to engage women in even giving compliments, because they are afraid their actions will be seen as sexual assault. Society is tearing itself apart by saying, go out and do what you want, but if you do, you are sexually assaulting people. I want to be able to court a woman and date and eventually marry them.

I say that part of it is just me because I am not good at telling when a woman is interested in me and I am not very good at acting on that interest once I find out that a woman is interested in me. I am not very good at dating and courtship. I’m in love with someone who I’m pretty sure will not love me back. The easy answer would be to just move on, but that is much easier said than done. The heart wants what the heart wants. I also look back on my past relationships and realize that I ruined most of them. I can say that there are a few exceptions, but for the most part it really was me. Now it wasn’t intentional. It was almost a defense mechanism that said, “well they can’t hurt me if I hurt them first.” What? Come on brain, that is bad logic. Of course I’m not going to end up in a steady, stable relationship if I keep sabotaging them. It was only recently made aware to me that that is a problem that I have, so at least now I can work on fixing that.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. This one might seem a little silly to some people, but it is something that weighs heavily on my mind. This kind of goes back to not know what I want to do with my life, but specifically this is for career choice. I want to be in a position where my wife, once I get through my relationship issues and have a wife, can be a stay at home mom if she wants to be. I don’t want my wife to have to go to work to help support the family. I want a career that will allow me to do that. Now, if she wants to work, that’s awesome, but I don’t want her to have to work. Most “high paying” jobs though, are not interesting to me. Right now I am thinking of going into politics and I hope that I can find a good stable position in that field once I’m done with school. However, my plans change. I have wanted to be so many different things growing up and I can’t seem to stick with one. It’s worse when I feel like I am in the minority when it comes to my friends and family. Most of them are either already doing what they wanted to be when they grow up or at least know what it is that they want to be and are moving towards that thing. Hopefully I will be able to figure it out before I’m older and it becomes harder and harder to accomplish.

I am struggling with depression. One of the reasons why I am struggling in the above mentioned areas is because I struggle with depression. My depression adds an extra layer I have to cut through to find interest in a hobby, or a girl, or a degree in school, or a career. It makes things just a little hazy and difficult to navigate my way towards my goals. There are days when I feel great and I feel really motivated and I make goals and set plans and get things done. Then there are days when the most I will do is take a shower and go back to bed. It is a struggle to do even the most basic things sometimes, but I still do them the best I can, and that’s why I say I am down but not out.

This post has been kind of a woe is me rant, but there is a point. I want to be open with what I’m struggling with, but I also want to show that I am still moving forward. While there is a lot that I am trying to figure out for myself, I am taking life one day at a time and I know that I will be able to figure it out. I know that I can do it. I also write this post for anyone who might read this who is struggling. You’re not alone in feeling lost, left out, or behind. Don’t give up. You’ve got this. You can figure it out. It will take time and patience, but you will be able to do it. I know that I can and I know that you can too.

To Be Or Not To Be….Sorry?

Accidents happen, mistakes are made, people get hurt, that’s part of life. What isn’t always part of life is a genuine sense of remorse when these things happen. Far too many times the words “I’m sorry” are spoken, but are they truly meant? Does anyone really care about the harm and pain they cause? Because it seems like offenders are far more concerned about the reaction to their actions.

I have discovered a sad and inconvenient truth, and no, I’m not talking about climate change. I am talking about apathy. Apathy is killing the emotional connection between people and the only thing left in the wake is fake. Fake news, fake social media profiles, fake friends, fake compliments, and especially, fake apologies. The world is fake, shallow, and worst of all, hollow.

Apathy is like a slow acting poison, it catches hold of you subtly and little by little, kills your soul. Because apathy is slow acting, it can be hard to find at first. People you meet and associate with may at first seem genuine and caring, but it is after long association that the realization comes and you see how they didn’t really care as much as you first thought. The worst cases of apathy that I have seen are cases where someone has done something wrong and tries to apologize. Only when things turn sour does the poison show true and the effect of it become apparent.

The older I get, the more I realize that people are often not sorry for their actions, or the pain that they have caused. They are sorry for the reaction you had to what they have done. I have found that most of the time, people mean what they say, or they mean to do the things they do. They’re just sorry you have become offended by it. They aren’t sorry for the pain they have caused, just the backlash that has come from it. The easiest examples I find are politicians and celebrities who do or say bad something wrong. They are sorry they got caught, not that they did something wrong. Another good example are children. Though I find their crimes to be much less heinous, they are still far less sorry for taking a cookie from the cookie jar as they are from getting caught doing it.

Is there a cure for the poison of apathy? I don’t know. If there is, I think it would be slightly different for everyone. For some, it might be an inward realization of what they are doing and a change of heart. Others might need someone to sit down with them and really explain why what they did was wrong and why they should feel sorry for it. True character is what you do when no one is watching.

The Path Before Us

Lot and his family were given one very specific instruction when they were told to leave Sodom and Gomorrah. Look not behind thee. It seems like such a small request, but it would soon become clear that there were dire consequences for looking back. Though we do not turn into a pillar of salt should we look back, we can certainly face dire consequences should we do so. It is impossible to see where you are going if you are only looking back at where you’ve been. The past is meant to be learned from, not lived in. So what is the appeal of looking back anyways?

Perhaps the idea of change and the unknown is too much to handle. Humans are creatures of habit, we like what we know and we know what we like. Instead of wanting to move forward, we wish to stay in what we find familiar and comfortable. We lack the faith to keep going. Faith is a strong belief that motivates  a person to act. Faith is often tied to religion or some form of belief system, but in reality, faith is a process that everyone uses daily.

We have the strong belief that by going to work we will get paid or that by going to school we will gain an education and become more successful, so we are motivated to not hit that snooze button more than twice. We have the strong belief that brushing our teeth will lead to a bright and beautiful smile, so we are motivated to take that two minutes and actually brush our teeth. Flossing though may be another story. We use faith in so many different ways, so why then is it so hard to change and move forward?

It’s so hard to move forward because lasting change is hard accomplish. This is why most of us have probably given up on our news years resolutions by now. We tell ourselves that we won’t indulge in that certain bad habit anymore or that we’re going to lose that “little” bit of weight we’ve gained, and yet here we are. Doing the same things, running the same routines, just like we always do. Sure we change for a little bit, a week, a month, maybe even two, but at some point we go back to where we were before. We go back to more of the same and keep looking behind us.

However hard the journey may be, the only choice we have is to move forward. There is no path behind us, only the path before us. So stop looking back with a longing to be there. Look to the future and the wonders that await you. The joy and happiness that comes with the knowledge that there is something more than what you were before. Each day is a new day to be your best self no matter what you were the day before. Nobody knows when the path before them ends, so love each step you take.

First Impressions

They say that first impressions are everything. I have two problems with that statement. First, I have no idea who “they” are, but “they” are always saying something. Second, first impressions are often wrong. My first impression of one of my greatest friends was that they were incredibly annoying. My first impression of one of my favorite high school teachers is that they were angry and not someone to mess with. I was wrong on both accounts. Even if I was correct, the thing about people is that people change. A first impression about someone might actually be right at the time, but that doesn’t mean it will be right forever. In my opinion, it’s not the first impression that matters, it’s the last.

The last impression that you leave with someone is far more crucial than any first impression you make. You may give the greatest first impression, something that really sticks in the minds of those you meet. In fact, people may even share the first impression they had of you with others. Your reputation may be built before you ever walk through the door. It doesn’t matter though. First impressions are shattered by the reality of the person you are now, not the person you were when first met. It’s the last impression you make, the one you leave before exiting the stage of another person’s life that stays with them.

I’m sure we’ve all experienced this. We all can think of someone in our lives who was a great friend, a strong mentor, or a beloved family member, who we always looked forward to seeing. That is, until that one word said or that one incident that changed our perception of that person forever. I don’t mean to make it sound like every time we move apart from someone close to us that it is because of some traumatic experience that stains our souls and breaks our hearts. Sometimes the circumstances of life lead us in a new direction and on a path that happens to lead us away from those we were once close to. Either way, for better or for worse, that person is no longer in our lives and we have only that last impression of them to hold onto.

Having been out of high school for almost six years now, I can tell you from experience that those close to me have gone in nearly every direction. Some friends have fallen into what I consider bad crowds and have decided to walk darker paths that I cannot follow. Others have found the joy of an eternal companion and marriage which has meant stepping away from my life and into the life of their significant other. Some high school friends I miss dearly and others I am glad to have split away from. No matter what direction or path they have chosen, they have left a last impression on my mind.

I have often wondered what the last impression I leave with others is. Could it be an impression of sadness as I depart? maybe I would be missed as our lives have taken us in different directions and people would say good things about me in my absence. Or, perhaps people rejoice once I am gone and the last impression I left was one of bitterness. A sharp ending that makes them never wish to see me again. I may never know. Impressions left on others seldom make their way back to the person who left them.

The reason I bring up first impressions is that if anyone decides to read this blog, they may have a bad first impression. I am using this blog to share the overstuffed thoughts that crowd my head. Outwardly, I am a quiet man. I keep my thoughts to myself and try to go with the flow as best I can and make as few ripples as possible. Inside my head, I am a very different man. I have so much going on in there that I needed this extra space to fit it all. Regardless of what first impression you have, if you’ll take this journey with me, you may be surprised at what you find. I might just leave a good last impression. For those of you read this who know me, you may find that these are not the words you would typically hear from little old Zack. These are the words of the man in his mind.